What I'll never show, what you'll never find

I'm frustrated and awake. It would be a lie to say I've been trying to get my sleeping schedule back on track. Like a lot of things in my life...things that I know I need to do, but I'm procrastinating. Let's hope this behavior doesn't continue when classes start. Speaking of classes, I'm currenlty enrolled in fifteen credits and waitlisted for ten more. I'm hoping I'll be able to take all 25. I feel like I've really screwed myself over with all the major changes. But hopefully, I'll be able to start the El. Ed program next quarter if I can manage all five classes.

I miss my family. Mainly my mother.

I miss the bubble of Somerset and all my girls.

I'm feeling stupidly emotional and wish Jeffrey wasn't sleeping.

I want to stop thinking and go to sleep.

When Your Logic Fails and You Find it Cold

Today was a pretty busy day for me. First, I woke up and got ready to do a photoshoot with Dianne. She was looking for someone to model in a wedding dress so she can update her bridal portfolio. I have to admit that a lot of things were running through my head: I'm not pretty enough to do this, I hope she's not lame, and just curiousity about what to do. Jeffrey thought it was weird that even though I'm not married or what have you, I was wearing a wedding dress posing for pictures. That got to me after a while, because I wasn't at first feeling confident about doing it, I got to overthinking about what the heck was I even doing. But I'm glad I did. It was a lot of fun; Dianne is so laidback and easy going. It was fun to be a model and pose. We went to Meidcal Lake and had trouble with the dress. It was too big in the bust area and hair pins just don't work to hold the dress together, luckily we managed to get a saftey pin. We were stopped by a cop who asked us if we were doing Senior photos. HA! We trashed the dress, literally. I went swimming in the lake and literally threw the dress in the garbage. What a fun morning. Pics are below.

I also went to One World Cafe downtown and volunteered. I made a tomato and cucumber salad, washed some dishes, and mushed together some vegetarian meatballs.

You Fed Me the Sun

This weekend has been pretty fun. We went to Pig Out and spent approximately $35 on greasy, high-caloric, overpriced food including, a rectange of french fries, soba noodles, sausage, about 4 large cups of lemonade and a funnel cake topped with chocolate sauce (that ultimately became a mushy, soggy, mess). But, anything to support the city of Spokane, eh? We also took Phantom to his monthly Pug Meet-up. It's so cute to see all the puggy faces snoofing around and playing with each other. Especially the one I called "Grandpa Pug" who was wheezing around with his silly tongue hanging out. It was amusing.

Sunday at church, Bishop asked if I would like to hold a church calling. I accepted, of course. I'm pretty excited. Sunday night...around 11...was, fun. All I'm going to say is that I hope I win the bet.

I really wish my eyes would have been open in this one

That's right...

..I made them <3

In some strange, masochistic way, I'm sad that I removed myself from the competition. However, I am cheering everyone remaining on. Rah! rah! rah!

I was feeling very "America's Next Top Model"ish today when I found this horrible shirt my mother bought me last year. I figured it might as well get some use before it's donated. The pink tights are now in direct competition with my favorite...the purple ones.

The "What I Learned" post

The past three (and a half) days have been...well, interesting. It has absolutely been a rewarding experience. I have genuinely loved being creative with cooking; by finding ways to season food and add flavor sans the usual (salt, pepper, garlic powder). I have been reminded of how great farm fresh produce is and the quality of said produce compared to store bought. My digestive system has also found purely local eating rewarding. I've also lost three pounds (which I'm sure will be gained back after this weekend. Hello cinnamon rolls, bleu cheese cream sauce, and Pig Out!).
But, I knew that my strength was wavering. I lay in bed, at 2:44 yesterday morning thinking about, well, food. I figured when cravings are THAT intense, it's better to give in then to loose complete control (says the handout from my former nutritionist). My Locavore demise was pretty much premeditated at that point. I knew I would get through the morning/afternoon, but end it when Jeffrey came home, which is why I consider that I have made it through three and a half days...definitely more than I thought.
Plus, eating beef (and one day of pork) was really getting old and monotonous...chicken is definitely needed. Also, I have never eaten so many vegetables in my life. I hate cucumbers and still despise eggplant and green peppers.

The film Fresh definitely reiterated my want to continuously support not only local farms, but sustainable agriculture. It's distressing how monopolized the meat packing industry is. This is definitely not something I've thought about since reading Fast Food Nation about 3 years ago. I should e-mail Dr. Florio...
It was also mentioned that every dollar we spend is like a vote. Sadly, I vote at/for Wal-Mart. It takes me less than twenty minutes to drive to W-M, pick up a box of Little Debbie's, and be back home. And, this can be done at any time. Hooray for Supercenters!? It's kind of embarrassing to admit to oneself...that I have lost control over where my (or Jeffrey's) dollars are going...to a mega-corporation that not only strong arms businesses to sell their products (or they refuse to carry it) but forces out local grocery stores (case in point: Jim's Food liner in my high school town, Pratt Kansas). I wonder if shopping at the commissary would be better? Even still, is going without Fudge Brownies really THAT much of a sacrifice?
One of the opening quotes of the movie stated that "Americans are afraid of one thing: inconvenience." I believe this derives out of the general fear of the unknown. As a generation, we have never known what it was like to HAVE to be self-reliant and self-producing. We've grown up on TV dinners, PB&J, and being soothed over break-ups with Ben and Jerry's. I also think it's a comfort thing, which just feeds into the addiction to packaged and processed goods.
However, I am still not buying into (ha, literally) the Organic eating stuff. Just because you throw a fancy label on produce and jack up the price, doesn't mean that it's necessarily better or that there's no long-term effects on the environment, hence the difference between Organic and Sustainable agriculture. Also, I've always thought that seeing an organically labeled TV dinner seemed...hypocritical. As the organic craze has gotten...well, blown up, it seems that it's the next thing to be industrially increased, thus losing the original values of the organic ideals and continuing the cycle.

It also brought back memories of my childhood. My Aunt Mary and Uncle Don owned a dairy farm in Pennsylvania. After watching the film I am proud to say that they used Sustainable Dairy Farming, where the cows were grazed (grass-fed). I remember going to their farm and getting water from the well, collecting cow teeth with my sister, and watching cow births (I vividly recall the first time I watched the vet come and "check" to see if a cow was pregnant).
I loved my Aunt's decorating style because the entire house was filled with antiques. She was an avid collector and I believe that's where my love of vintage came from. There really isn't anything better than homemade butter pecan ice cream. Sadly, the government wanted to build a highway where their farm was so they lost the house that had been in our family since William Penn gave the land to my great-great-great grandfather. I visited their "new" house back in 2005 and it just wasn't the same. Many things were similar, but it made me sad. I yearned for the days when I had a cow named after me and I would go up and down the rows looking for "Stephanie Cow". Ahh, nostalgia.



[edit] On a side-note, I found this bag to be particularly exciting (pun not intended). Sorry, Mom; it's 5 AM and you know how easily amused I get when I don't sleep...

There's no room for more plastic flowers

I'm out. Let's not kid ourselves. Today was premeditated.

The "what I learned in the past few days" blog will come later. I am currently occupied.

Let the dust colonize (Day 3)

Today has sucked. I think I'm slowly loosing it. I am so sick of vegetables. I want a Fudge Round and peanut butter M&Ms. I literally had to lock myself in my bedroom so I didn't ransack the bare cabinets to make (yes, I elaborately thought about this) kidney beans, fried in butter, seasoned with garlic powder and salt topped with BBQ sauce and ranch dressing. Then again, I told myself if I'm going to go out of the competition, I'm going to go hardcore with everything that I have been craving: the above, plus a gigantic cinnamon roll, pasta, Double Cone Crunch ice cream, and cheese. Due to the fact that all my cravings combined would be a caloric nightmare, I'm still in. I promised myself that if I complete, I will reward myself by making me cinnamon rolls and enjoying whatever I want at Pig Out on Saturday.

I am counting down the hours (about 2) until Jeffrey gets home to provide me with a distraction from myself. I didn't plan well, apparently, because we ran out of fruit. Thankfully we're going to the Millwood Farmers Market today.

• Breakfast: two apples baked with honey then blended
• Snack: cucumber slices (which now, I officially hate)
• Lunch: broccoli, green beans, and a cold leftover pork chop
• Snack: peas. yawn.
• Dinner: in the crock pot. Pot roast with cilantro, basil, rosemary, eggplant, potatoes, garlic, and one silly onion.

Green Chops and corn (Day 2)

So the title was to play on "Green Eggs and Ham" to describe dinner, but it failed. I guess I could have done something like, One Chop, Two Chop, Green Chop not Blue Chop. Oh yes, I like that. But I spent time already typing, so the title shall stay as a fail.

Happy September!

I really can't believe how fast the summer has gone by...thank goodness. I'm not a fan of this silly weather; I'm ready for snow. There is so much to do this week/month. Chase Youth Commission/Foundation meeting is tonight, Andrea's baby shower is Thursday, HAVE to go to Eastern on Friday, Pig Out on Saturday (sorry Cody, I'm going with Jeffrey), Shrinking Violet Society stuff this month, school starts, maybe finding a job, and random other things I know I have forgotten. I've been toying with the idea of doing BBBS again. I was a big sister in Laramie and loved it. I think I just might. Yes, I am calling right now.

Competition wise, today is seeming to be a lot easier. I'm not in the panicky "what do I possibly eat" mode I was in yesterday. Although, I miss the taste of Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade. Water is becoming so...blah. If only I found a lemon-grower in Spokane (I did look). I absolutely loved the green beans we have. I do not think we're going to be buying store bought produce anymore; it really doesn't compare. Corn, however, just doesn't taste the same without butter, salt and pepper...no matter how farm freshtastic tasting it is. I'm trying to convince Jeffrey that buying goat's milk is a good idea. I found a recipe to make cheese.

• Breakfast: none, I layed in bed with the puggyface


• Snack: apple baked with honey. It wasn't the buttery cinnamon-sugary delight I usually go for, but it was quite pleasant, and it satisfied my sugar craving.


• Lunch: turned out to be disappointing. corn on the cob (which wasn't ready to be taken off the stalk), broiled cucumber slices (they are not appetizing and some of them got brown and crunchy, having a tomato-soupish taste. sick), steamed broccoli


• Dinner: more corn (success, this time), pork chops (from Smokey Ridge meats) baked with a green sauce (blended cilantro, basil, garlic and I adorned my chop with a BEAUTIFUL purple onion half ) and a roasted pepper puree

I'm most likely going to have an apple for snack because dinner was quite early (4:30) since I have to go to a meeting.

I feel really bad because we haven't gone to the gym in forever and today is no exception. I know my body isn't happy, neither is my body image, and I feel like I've kept Jeffrey from going (even though logically I know he could go all by himself if he really wanted to). I feel like a dud and I feel lazy. I don't think I'll start going until next week. Working out and not consuming as many calories as I'm supposed to isn't a good idea for recovery.