Peanut butter and Stephanie

What I'll never show, what you'll never find

2009-09-14T23:03:00.000-07:00

I'm frustrated and awake. It would be a lie to say I've been trying to get my sleeping schedule back on track. Like a lot of things in my life...things that I know I need to do, but I'm procrastinating. Let's hope this behavior doesn't continue when classes start. Speaking of classes, I'm currenlty enrolled in fifteen credits and waitlisted for ten more. I'm hoping I'll be able to take all 25. I feel like I've really screwed myself over with all the major changes. But hopefully, I'll be able to start the El. Ed program next quarter if I can manage all five classes.

I miss my family. Mainly my mother.

I miss the bubble of Somerset and all my girls.

I'm feeling stupidly emotional and wish Jeffrey wasn't sleeping.

I want to stop thinking and go to sleep.

When Your Logic Fails and You Find it Cold

2009-09-11T17:16:00.000-07:00

Today was a pretty busy day for me. First, I woke up and got ready to do a photoshoot with Dianne. She was looking for someone to model in a wedding dress so she can update her bridal portfolio. I have to admit that a lot of things were running through my head: I'm not pretty enough to do this, I hope she's not lame, and just curiousity about what to do. Jeffrey thought it was weird that even though I'm not married or what have you, I was wearing a wedding dress posing for pictures. That got to me after a while, because I wasn't at first feeling confident about doing it, I got to overthinking about what the heck was I even doing. But I'm glad I did. It was a lot of fun; Dianne is so laidback and easy going. It was fun to be a model and pose. We went to Meidcal Lake and had trouble with the dress. It was too big in the bust area and hair pins just don't work to hold the dress together, luckily we managed to get a saftey pin. We were stopped by a cop who asked us if we were doing Senior photos. HA! We trashed the dress, literally. I went swimming in the lake and literally threw the dress in the garbage. What a fun morning. Pics are below.

I also went to One World Cafe downtown and volunteered. I made a tomato and cucumber salad, washed some dishes, and mushed together some vegetarian meatballs.

You Fed Me the Sun

2009-09-07T21:18:00.000-07:00

This weekend has been pretty fun. We went to Pig Out and spent approximately $35 on greasy, high-caloric, overpriced food including, a rectange of french fries, soba noodles, sausage, about 4 large cups of lemonade and a funnel cake topped with chocolate sauce (that ultimately became a mushy, soggy, mess). But, anything to support the city of Spokane, eh? We also took Phantom to his monthly Pug Meet-up. It's so cute to see all the puggy faces snoofing around and playing with each other. Especially the one I called "Grandpa Pug" who was wheezing around with his silly tongue hanging out. It was amusing.

Sunday at church, Bishop asked if I would like to hold a church calling. I accepted, of course. I'm pretty excited. Sunday night...around 11...was, fun. All I'm going to say is that I hope I win the bet.

I really wish my eyes would have been open in this one

That's right...

2009-09-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

..I made them <3

In some strange, masochistic way, I'm sad that I removed myself from the competition. However, I am cheering everyone remaining on. Rah! rah! rah!

I was feeling very "America's Next Top Model"ish today when I found this horrible shirt my mother bought me last year. I figured it might as well get some use before it's donated. The pink tights are now in direct competition with my favorite...the purple ones.

The "What I Learned" post

2009-09-04T02:58:00.001-07:00

The past three (and a half) days have been...well, interesting. It has absolutely been a rewarding experience. I have genuinely loved being creative with cooking; by finding ways to season food and add flavor sans the usual (salt, pepper, garlic powder). I have been reminded of how great farm fresh produce is and the quality of said produce compared to store bought. My digestive system has also found purely local eating rewarding. I've also lost three pounds (which I'm sure will be gained back after this weekend. Hello cinnamon rolls, bleu cheese cream sauce, and Pig Out!).
But, I knew that my strength was wavering. I lay in bed, at 2:44 yesterday morning thinking about, well, food. I figured when cravings are THAT intense, it's better to give in then to loose complete control (says the handout from my former nutritionist). My Locavore demise was pretty much premeditated at that point. I knew I would get through the morning/afternoon, but end it when Jeffrey came home, which is why I consider that I have made it through three and a half days...definitely more than I thought.
Plus, eating beef (and one day of pork) was really getting old and monotonous...chicken is definitely needed. Also, I have never eaten so many vegetables in my life. I hate cucumbers and still despise eggplant and green peppers.

The film Fresh definitely reiterated my want to continuously support not only local farms, but sustainable agriculture. It's distressing how monopolized the meat packing industry is. This is definitely not something I've thought about since reading Fast Food Nation about 3 years ago. I should e-mail Dr. Florio...
It was also mentioned that every dollar we spend is like a vote. Sadly, I vote at/for Wal-Mart. It takes me less than twenty minutes to drive to W-M, pick up a box of Little Debbie's, and be back home. And, this can be done at any time. Hooray for Supercenters!? It's kind of embarrassing to admit to oneself...that I have lost control over where my (or Jeffrey's) dollars are going...to a mega-corporation that not only strong arms businesses to sell their products (or they refuse to carry it) but forces out local grocery stores (case in point: Jim's Food liner in my high school town, Pratt Kansas). I wonder if shopping at the commissary would be better? Even still, is going without Fudge Brownies really THAT much of a sacrifice?
One of the opening quotes of the movie stated that "Americans are afraid of one thing: inconvenience." I believe this derives out of the general fear of the unknown. As a generation, we have never known what it was like to HAVE to be self-reliant and self-producing. We've grown up on TV dinners, PB&J, and being soothed over break-ups with Ben and Jerry's. I also think it's a comfort thing, which just feeds into the addiction to packaged and processed goods.
However, I am still not buying into (ha, literally) the Organic eating stuff. Just because you throw a fancy label on produce and jack up the price, doesn't mean that it's necessarily better or that there's no long-term effects on the environment, hence the difference between Organic and Sustainable agriculture. Also, I've always thought that seeing an organically labeled TV dinner seemed...hypocritical. As the organic craze has gotten...well, blown up, it seems that it's the next thing to be industrially increased, thus losing the original values of the organic ideals and continuing the cycle.

It also brought back memories of my childhood. My Aunt Mary and Uncle Don owned a dairy farm in Pennsylvania. After watching the film I am proud to say that they used Sustainable Dairy Farming, where the cows were grazed (grass-fed). I remember going to their farm and getting water from the well, collecting cow teeth with my sister, and watching cow births (I vividly recall the first time I watched the vet come and "check" to see if a cow was pregnant).
I loved my Aunt's decorating style because the entire house was filled with antiques. She was an avid collector and I believe that's where my love of vintage came from. There really isn't anything better than homemade butter pecan ice cream. Sadly, the government wanted to build a highway where their farm was so they lost the house that had been in our family since William Penn gave the land to my great-great-great grandfather. I visited their "new" house back in 2005 and it just wasn't the same. Many things were similar, but it made me sad. I yearned for the days when I had a cow named after me and I would go up and down the rows looking for "Stephanie Cow". Ahh, nostalgia.

[edit] On a side-note, I found this bag to be particularly exciting (pun not intended). Sorry, Mom; it's 5 AM and you know how easily amused I get when I don't sleep...

There's no room for more plastic flowers

2009-09-03T16:47:00.000-07:00

I'm out. Let's not kid ourselves. Today was premeditated.

The "what I learned in the past few days" blog will come later. I am currently occupied.

Let the dust colonize (Day 3)

2009-09-02T13:58:00.000-07:00

Today has sucked. I think I'm slowly loosing it. I am so sick of vegetables. I want a Fudge Round and peanut butter M&Ms. I literally had to lock myself in my bedroom so I didn't ransack the bare cabinets to make (yes, I elaborately thought about this) kidney beans, fried in butter, seasoned with garlic powder and salt topped with BBQ sauce and ranch dressing. Then again, I told myself if I'm going to go out of the competition, I'm going to go hardcore with everything that I have been craving: the above, plus a gigantic cinnamon roll, pasta, Double Cone Crunch ice cream, and cheese. Due to the fact that all my cravings combined would be a caloric nightmare, I'm still in. I promised myself that if I complete, I will reward myself by making me cinnamon rolls and enjoying whatever I want at Pig Out on Saturday.

I am counting down the hours (about 2) until Jeffrey gets home to provide me with a distraction from myself. I didn't plan well, apparently, because we ran out of fruit. Thankfully we're going to the Millwood Farmers Market today.

Breakfast: two apples baked with honey then blended
Snack: cucumber slices (which now, I officially hate)
Lunch: broccoli, green beans, and a cold leftover pork chop
Snack: peas. yawn.
Dinner: in the crock pot. Pot roast with cilantro, basil, rosemary, eggplant, potatoes, garlic, and one silly onion.

Green Chops and corn (Day 2)

2009-09-01T10:47:00.001-07:00

So the title was to play on "Green Eggs and Ham" to describe dinner, but it failed. I guess I could have done something like, One Chop, Two Chop, Green Chop not Blue Chop. Oh yes, I like that. But I spent time already typing, so the title shall stay as a fail.

Happy September!

I really can't believe how fast the summer has gone by...thank goodness. I'm not a fan of this silly weather; I'm ready for snow. There is so much to do this week/month. Chase Youth Commission/Foundation meeting is tonight, Andrea's baby shower is Thursday, HAVE to go to Eastern on Friday, Pig Out on Saturday (sorry Cody, I'm going with Jeffrey), Shrinking Violet Society stuff this month, school starts, maybe finding a job, and random other things I know I have forgotten. I've been toying with the idea of doing BBBS again. I was a big sister in Laramie and loved it. I think I just might. Yes, I am calling right now.

Competition wise, today is seeming to be a lot easier. I'm not in the panicky "what do I possibly eat" mode I was in yesterday. Although, I miss the taste of Crystal Light Raspberry Lemonade. Water is becoming so...blah. If only I found a lemon-grower in Spokane (I did look). I absolutely loved the green beans we have. I do not think we're going to be buying store bought produce anymore; it really doesn't compare. Corn, however, just doesn't taste the same without butter, salt and pepper...no matter how farm freshtastic tasting it is. I'm trying to convince Jeffrey that buying goat's milk is a good idea. I found a recipe to make cheese.

Breakfast: none, I layed in bed with the puggyface

Snack: apple baked with honey. It wasn't the buttery cinnamon-sugary delight I usually go for, but it was quite pleasant, and it satisfied my sugar craving.

Lunch: turned out to be disappointing. corn on the cob (which wasn't ready to be taken off the stalk), broiled cucumber slices (they are not appetizing and some of them got brown and crunchy, having a tomato-soupish taste. sick), steamed broccoli

Dinner: more corn (success, this time), pork chops (from Smokey Ridge meats) baked with a green sauce (blended cilantro, basil, garlic and I adorned my chop with a BEAUTIFUL purple onion half ) and a roasted pepper puree

I'm most likely going to have an apple for snack because dinner was quite early (4:30) since I have to go to a meeting.

I feel really bad because we haven't gone to the gym in forever and today is no exception. I know my body isn't happy, neither is my body image, and I feel like I've kept Jeffrey from going (even though logically I know he could go all by himself if he really wanted to). I feel like a dud and I feel lazy. I don't think I'll start going until next week. Working out and not consuming as many calories as I'm supposed to isn't a good idea for recovery.

Day 1

2009-08-31T17:13:00.001-07:00

Breakfast: a peach
Lunch: broccoli and peas "sauteed" in a pan and seasoned with rosemary
Dinner: ground beef, onions, and potatoes baked, then broiled in a vegetable sauce (water, rosemary, tomatoes, eggplant, cilantro, garlic blended together) Dinner turned out surprisingly good, considering there was no seasonings (no salt...tear). Jeffrey really liked it, which is pretty much how I rate my cooking because I am not a good critic of what I make

On a side note, I love my Magic Bullet. Jeffrey got it for me for my birthday and it makes things great. Saturday we had chocolate mousse, which was delicious...well, the second batch was. I used it last night to blend up the sauce for dinner. I have a feeling it'll be used more as the challenge progresses.

This week is the worst week to do the challenge. Thanks to Mother Nature, I'm having cravings for chocolate and tuna fish. It's awful. I told myself I'll get through the first day. If I continue to be tortured, then I shall give myself whatever I want tomorrow. Let's hope I'm not self-sabotaging.

Six hours left...

2009-08-30T17:54:00.000-07:00

Of freedom to eat whatever high-caloric, processed, disgustingly yummy thing I want. I'm surprisingly excited about doing this challenge. Our fridge drawer is stuffed with a ton of veggies, the freezer has been filled with $80 of beef from Sandpoint (which we are very excited to try. The last couple cuts of beef we purchased from the store, well, sucked) and the cabinets are pretty much bare and cleaned out (I get tempted easily). Jeffrey is such a sport to go along with this (for the most part). But his lifestyle isn't exactly lenient to new ways of eating. Ahh, the beauty of Fritos Honey BBQ twists.
The main problems I image me having with this are 1. salt: I love salt. Enough said. 2. Chicken. When asked what my favorite food is, I always answer with this word. No matter how you bake, fry, broil, saute, roast, bbq, season, or baste...one usually can't go wrong. 3. the foods I love: pasta, bread, cookies, muffins, cereal, and of course...ranch dressing.

Kattie and Kendra spent the night last night. We had a lot of fun. I love those sillies. Only one word, however, can describe last night. Sanchez. Ha

I went to the Havana Ward today. The girls came with me (for moral support) and of course, we got there late. I really liked the ward. After Sacrament during the announcements, they had the new people do introductions. It was funny because I said my name and he asked if my last name was Hall and said he'd been wanting to meet me and if I would talk to him after the meeting. He and I talked, and I'm hoping he will talk to whom he said. It would be great to be officially re-membered into the church.

Produce!

2009-08-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I went out to pick some produce. Here's a bit of what we got.

Next stop: meat!

Challenge

2009-08-28T00:37:00.000-07:00

My mind is thinking...and over thinking about the Locavore challenge. I think I'm going a little crazy. For example, yesterday, I thought it would be a good idea to experiment cooking without oil and seasonings. I figured it would be a lot easier and cheaper to play around with non-local foods, which really, is quite logical. But I chose to use celery. CELERY. First of all, celery has no flavor, it's primarily water, and tastes like crap (regardless of how much ranch it's smothered with). After a few skillets, I decided this wasn't very effective...nor intelligent.

I have also thought about purchasing a hen. Yes, a hen to lay eggs for me. Somehow I don't think Jeffrey, Phantom, the neighbors, or the apartment people would appreciate it. I contemplated keeping it on the balcony.

We were going to hit the Spokane Farmer's Market on Saturday, then head up to Greenbluff and prepare for next week, but I remembered I'm volunteering for LOVEspokane from 9 til 4. Then Kattie and Kendra are coming over at 6:30 because I'm cooking dinner and we're having a girls' night in. Sunday, I'm going to the Havana building because I'm apparently not in the boundaries for the ward I have been going to for the last year +

PS: Cilantro is pretty much my new bff

I took you up against the wall.

2009-08-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

I ate this while Jeffrey had leftover pizza. Yesterday was Jeffrey's birthday. He's never had a party. His family wasn't much into celebrating...well, anything. I woke up feeling really bad. I'm allergic to something in the air (rash, itchy eyes/throat, etc) so that made us postpone our plans. Thankfully, I made him Blueberry Buttermilk Scones for breakfast the night before. He played the new Batman game pretty much all afternoon, then we had the Gordley's, Kattie and Kendra over to play Rockband (because he's a fan).

Today, we went to the Y and got picture frames, lunch, and a smoothie. I have been looking online for Farmer's Markets and local farms around Spokane. I'm really excited about the "eating local" challenge, but I have found myself stuffing my face with processed, sugary, artery-clogging edibles because I know I won't be able to indulge next week. One last hoorah, I suppose.

Weekend

2009-08-24T18:58:00.000-07:00

This weekend was quite busy. Saturday was the Airforce Ball, then Sunday was my birthday. There were a lot more taken, but it would take FOREVER to upload.

In the cockpit. I'm the pilot (holler!)

Kendra and Kattie <3

Triple layer chocolate fudge frosted cake (before pink icing)

After :)

Ate dinner all alone.

2009-08-21T17:24:00.000-07:00

sirloin smothered in my fabulous bleu cheese cream sauce, potatoes, and corn.

On the subject of food, I, Stephanie, am doing a "Locavore" challenge. Basically, Aug. 31 to Sept. 4th, the object is to eat food locally grown/raised/produced in a 100 mile radius. Everything that I shall consume will be from Spokane and surrounding area. Literally, everything: milk, meat, fruit, veggies, salt, sugar, etc. Apparently, I am going to cut back on a lot of things. I have a sad feeling that I am going to go through crazy sugar withdrawls and be a monster. This is going to suck. I love food and I love making food. I love spices and seasonings. I also love how Wal Mart supercenter is about 6 miles away. Even now, I sit here eating a highly processed, massed produced candy bar. But, I am up for the challenge. I'm going to hit the Farmer's markets hard next week, and I'm headed up to Greenbluff tomorrow.

Don'tcha wish...

2009-08-20T15:22:00.000-07:00

melted chocolate

baked the brownie batter in springfoam pan

combined ingredients

pour ontop of brownie

marbled with chocolate

sampled :)

no comment.

almost done...

voila!

it needed a photoshoot

No Use For A Title

2009-08-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

This week is my birthday week. It's been a fun past few days: bowling (see picture), movie/pizza night, dinner tonight. I'm making Chicken Marsala Masala and surprising Jeffrey with a brownie cheesecake. I'll have to post pictures. Sunday, my actual b-day, I'm having a little get together with friends (mainly church kids) and just having a cake and enjoying my day. I am wearing a pink crown, darn it. I think I'm going to wear a tiara to church. I deserve it. I am debating whether to bake my own cake or have Jeffrey purchase one (he claims one can't bake their own birthday cake).

I am feeling a lot of emotions and wish I better knew how to process and deal. It's crazy to feel sad and happy and anxious and worried and confused all at once. No wonder people go insane. I think a lot and it feels like thoughts just don't stop. Like, I really can't stop thinking...unless I engage in behaviors. I've been trying to actually figure out what and why I'm feeling what I am, but I hate not being able to fully allow myself. I hate when people I get close to leave. I am going to make a very big decision Monday, and I'm nervous for it. I feel one way and have been praying, but I don't know exactly what (if any) answers I've gotten. I think that I persuade myself too much.

School is starting next month and I'm very excited. Although changing majors four times kind of screwed me over (120+ credits and no BA), I finally found a major I'm going to stick with...Elementary Education. I am, however, sad that Culinary Arts didn't/won't work out, due to personal reasons. But cooking and baking is a hobby, and I can do it regardless. I have to take a lot of Humanities classes which feels so, I don't know, tedious. But one can't put a price on learning, eh?

Last Friday was the YSA dance. I hadn't been to a church dance since High School and I was really curious as to what to expect. Well, there was a live band and it sucked. Seriously, if one is going to play at a dance, at least play music that people will/can dance too. It was ridiculous. After they took up most of the time, better music was played, but they only did like three slow songs. How was I supposed to work on my twirl with three songs? Kendra and I had a blast! We're silly. Poor Kattie though. She was on crutches and just...couldn't really do much. It was honestly, not much different than a youth dance, which I thought was funny. Sure, the boys have gotten a lot better looking, but people still dance in their circles (which Kendra and I didn't do, thank you very much), boys still generally ask girls how to dance, and people are still very awkward and self concious. Ahh, some things never change.

Saturday is the Air Force ball. I'm super excited to get dressed up. I'm going vintage. Hat, fishnets with the seam up the back, Nine West's that look vintage and this little number...

Summer

2009-08-15T13:18:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I've written anything. I suppose it's such an unnatural thing to write about my life. Life is...well, a lot of adjectives. It's crazy to me how things can change in a matter of hours, minutes, etc.
I think I'm going to sum up my summer (ha ha). June wasn't very exciting. In July, Jeffrey and I drove down to Kansas to see my family. I love road trips. We left early Sunday morning because we had reservations to stay at Whitebird Summit Lodge (B&B), go horseback riding, and the next day we were going whitewater rafting. The lodge is so serene (mom and I stayed there last summer) and Terri always makes great breakfasts. The morning of rafting was overcast and chilly, so the water was well...cold. We didn't have to paddle, which was kind of lame. Our guide was a funny kid who stopped to show us Indian painted pictures on rock, which was really neat. We also jumped off a super high log that hung over a cliff. It was awesome. I want to go cliff jumping.

Immediately after we finished rafting we left for the 22 hour drive to Kansas. Idaho really has great scenery. It was a long drive full of talking, snacking, and me begging Jeffrey to stop so I can get out of the car. We were kinda on a time limit though, because Jeffrey needed to be back earlier than expected because the silly Air Force needed his signature. Sadly, Jeffrey and I have different ideas of road trips. I like to stop often, walk around, browse small towns. He likes to drive. and drive. We stopped outside Boise for the night and left in the morning. We drove down through Utah and made a detour to SLC so we could see the Temple and Temple Square. Mormon central wasn't exactly his scene, so he read a book outside the square. I saw Daniel there...we talked, it sucked. It was like, everything coming back to get shattered. I still find it strange that he doesn't talk to me...

We drove the rest of the way without stopping (much) and got to the house sometime Tuesday morning. When we got there, Jeffrey went to sleep and I tried to my password to long onto the computer, which I eventually found by reading it in a cooking magazine. Mom got home a while later and it was really great to see her. Because this is Kansas, to do...anything really, we had to drive. We went to Wichita, to go shopping, see Ashley and to the zoo; we went to Hays to go to the Sternberg and eat German food, stopping at Ft. Larned and Pat's Beef Jerky. Saturday, we were supposed to go to Oklahoma City and hang out and wander while the parents went to the Temple, but we figured we were kind of over being in a car and had more driving to do soon, that we would rather hang around and chill at the house. We ate a Pizza Taco (a Pratt, America staple). Sunday was church. Mom, Brandon and I spoke...it was Jeffrey's first (and thus far, only) time going to an LDS church; it was nice that he went. I was surprised how well Brandon and Jeff got along. Being with the family was great and it was such a comfort being with mom and talking to her. Being at home though, was quite triggering. There's always a ton of food around and memories are haunting. I had episodes of behaviors, naturally.

We left Monday and drove the 22+ hours straight so Jeff could be home Tuesday. I wished we would have be able to stop in Laramie so I could see some friends and show Jeff the campus, but both times we passed Laramie, it was dark and the middle of the night. Montana in the dark is still pretty cool. Jeffrey found out that he liked Huckleberry taffy and cookies don't travel well not being packed carefully. We were given about....oh, 100 cookies, which had to ultimately had to be thrown away because they were just too dangerous sitting in the freezer.

Kansas does have some beautiful sunsets.

August came fast. It's crazy how time really does fly. The first weekend in August we had a YSA campout/water activity. I went with Katie and Kendra and had a BLAST! I love those girls. We had a full size air mattress shoved inside a 2-3 man tent, us, a dog, and all our stuff. It was crazy packed and messy with food prodcuts/wrappers, clothing, make up (yes, we took make-up), shoes, etc. Friday, we got there around 7ish and Katie and I set up the tent while Kendra walked around. It was just a fun night, talking to each other, meeting new people, and sitting around a fire. Brandon and I hung out until like, three in the morning. When I got back to the tent, I squeezed myself in between the girls and sunk to the ground as the air mattress deflated. Naturally, I was the first one up and woke Katie so I could talk to her. It was quite chilly the entire day, which sucked being in the water. We had an...incident in the tent in the morning. Breakfast looked disgusting, so we ate our feelings in Little Debbies, Doritos, Lunchables, and Pringles. Oh, and marshmallows. Katie played "chubby bunny" for the first time and almost choked on her 4th marshmallow, causing me to laugh and spit mine out all over myself.

We swam in the lake and went tubing. I hadn't been tubing since I was younger and had a blast. I got quite bruised and Katie further injured her foot, but it was totally worth it. On the boat with us was this kid Jon (who I kinda met the night before walking around with Brandon at night...he was laying on a raft under the pavillion thing and I made some sorta comment about waking them up and cuddling) and his friend. They were crazy. It was a blast.

I think I'm done for now. I'll have to update on the past couple days later.

2009-05-31T22:48:00.000-07:00

The weekend was quite fun. Friday Jeffrey and I just hung out at the house and relaxed. It's nice to actually spend time with him and around him (even if we are doing different things) and feeling close to him. It's quite a change from how it used to be. I went to a thrift store and got a rad t-shirt for 2 dollars. It was a stellar buy. That about sums up Friday.

Saturday Jeffrey and I went to Bowl and Pitcher again. We took along some steaks, corn, and pickles and had a little cook out. It was my first official day of not wearing TEDS. That in itself was liberating. However, my body isn't in it's equilibrium yet, so I'm still swollen in my legs and middle. I get frustrated at myself for continuing the behaviors even though I know it continues to worsen my edema. I need to tell someone (ie, Jeffrey) when I feel like doing something before I do it. I can't let this continue to torment me. Anyway, we took Phantom with us. Granted, pugs aren't the best dogs to take outdoors...not just because of the heat, but because they're basically lazy dogs. He had a good time though: eating steak, fetching pine cones, smelling rocks. He's a great dog. We went down rocks so I could play in the water. It was cold. I wanted to get pictures because I'm a fan :) Our steak was deliciously seasoned (yay, self) and I taught Jeffrey that it's possible to cook corn on the coals in their husks. It was really hot outside (like, 89) so we left after our lunch.

We went back home and I made pasta salad and Jeff's new favorite cookies: peanut butter reese's pieces cookies to take to the Gordley's house (they invited us over for fondue). We brought Phantom over to see how he would react to their dog, Keaton, who is basically like a miniture Husky and it was interesting. At first, he was terrified, naturally, but as the evening went on, he kept harrassing Keaton to chase and play with him. For hours. I can't imagine what having two puggys around would be like. Chaos. Jeffrey is now a fan of fondue. I asked him if he wanted a set of pots for Christmas but he said that it was silly. Ahh the winds of change.

Today was pretty boring. Church, lunch, chill, dinner, chill. It's been really hot for the past couple days. That kinda bums me out. I've been gaining and I needed to because I lost quite a bit last week, but it makes me so uncomfortable and self-concious. Saturday morning I woke up thinking about why and how I need to go about not eating and my eating disorder started to sing a song in my head. I over-powered ED's voice by asking myself "what good will that accomplish?" If I go back to that, where will I be? Alone. Miserable. So I guess that's a start. I just need to have that minset all the time. I wish I knew how to do that though.

I haven't had a blog since Xanga in 2004...

2009-05-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

...but I decided since I had free time, I might as well make one and do something productive.

I suppose this is a little more upbeat then my regular journaling, so that's exciting.

About me:

I struggle with an Eating Disorder, but am in and working toward recovery
I love to bake
I have a wonderful boyfriend
I adore my puggy face (Phantom)
I have an amazing mother and am excited for her and Jeffrey to meet this summer
I love the colors pink and teal (but not together)
I am obsessed with my own style and fashion (but it's been hard to have the motivation when my body image is terrible)
I love colors and love to match eye makeup with clothing
I swtiched my major again to Elementary Ed.

I feel so lonely